I don't think I can live this lifestyle anymore.
I know what I want in my future and I think I've reached the point where I have to choose. Be with Sasha or try and strive for my dream life.
I had a dream a year ago, that caused me to wake up crying. In it, we broke up because he wasn't able to commit to marrying me (Not because he was poly) and I left. I found myself in Washington DC as a speech writer and he was in Baltimore as a teacher and being with his brother (he's an identical twin and they haven't lived in the same town for almost a decade and it wears on both of them). I was working a press conference when Sasha walked up. We were cordial but there was still pain. During our chat a girl who was the exact opposite of me, short/blonde/dumb, walked up and I discovered that they were getting married.
When I discussed the dream with him we were in NO way ready for marriage and he flat out said "So I ended up with the type of girl that I can't stand?" and that got us talking about the possibility of marriage and actually working towards it.
Tart came in the picture almost a year after this dream so she was not the cause of it. I have always thought that dream was more of my paranoia and not being good enough (for anybody) than my subconscious telling me what I should be doing. But after that I went back to school, am about to graduate, and searching for a great job. I wouldn't have done that, I don't think, without that dream and us discussing it.
But I now wonder if that dream was meant to tell me something more.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Birthday
It's been almost three weeks since I've posted. That's because things have been going well.
The situation with Zi and I are that she has come to understand that all I wanted was an apology. That she acted hastily and didn't listen to a word I said. She chooses however to say "If you break up with him, I'm still here and I love you; if you stay with him, I still love you." If that's not trying to make me change sides, I don't know what else. But she did pose one question that I think EVERY mono asks themselves "If it were wrong, why don't [we] tell [anyone]?"
Our answer is "Because they wouldn't understand." But really? Is that what we think? Because I still think it's wrong that after five years of love and devotion to go and pursue some tart half-way across the country. But the answer is true. In the case of my grandparents, and as I told my sister, I have no problem telling them if A.) It were any of their business and B.) Grammy wouldn't say "I think Sasha should move out of the bedroom and in with your roommate and you should pay less rent because you furnished the place." (I'm sorry to say that is a direct quote.) Which is what I had to tell Zi more than three times in our last conversation.
She finally came around and said that she did act hastily. And it was because she didn't understand. I had to point out, how many times did I say "ASK ME!" Because the answer isn't going to be with Grammy and Papa. I'll have the answers you're looking for. Another point that was made is that I haven't for a long time trusted her with any information. Because it seemed that no matter what I told her, it would get back to Grammy and Papa. That brought up another topic that I don't ever talk to them. And really why should I when she speaks for me?
Anyway, back on topic. Sasha's birthday was on Monday. But I had nothing to give him. He said he doesn't want anything. He was downsized on September 30th and until he can be approved for unemployment the financial responsibility falls on me. That stress and the stress of getting approved for graduation (Which was done yesterday) and the anticipation/dread of starting more hours at work and not knowing where or IF I'll get a job in my field all came to a head when I saw one thing.
A birthday card from Tart.
I'm not going to lie I almost hid it. Opened it up, read what filth she wrote and tore it up and threw it away. But on the precipice of that decision Sasha called out for me and came down the hallway. I handed him the important mail with the card on top. All he did was move it to the back and look at the other letters. He didn't say a word and it probably was because I was standing right there. I should feel at least OKAY about that, but I don't. I DON'T want her sending things to our house. I want to say, "If he's going to have an affair, then I don't want to know about it!" But just short of e-mailing her and telling her to not send anything to the house, I can't do that.
However I let out my emotion because of disappointing news I discovered. I play an MMO, something that Sasha got me into, called World of Warcraft. I love playing the game. I play a gnome, not because they are funny or for the racial specializations. But because I respect their story and I think they are cute and awesome. For a month they had a quest to do something that I have wanted to do since I started playing. Well with the game update last night it was taken down and I wasn't able to do it. So I let EVERYTHING that I had been feeling come out with the disappointment of that one thing. Sure I was upset, but not upset enough to cry off and on for 30 minutes (which is what I did).
I know that I should be upfront, but when we hit hard times like this before, Sasha didn't burden me with the stress so I'm going to do the same. All he needs to worry about is finding a job and I can take care of everything else. He's been doing it for 4 years, now it's my turn.
I know that some mono's are friends with their poly's other legs. Other's make themselves into a triangle, and some are like me and don't want anything to do with the other. I am blessed to be the Primary of the relationship because if I wasn't then there wouldn't be a relationship. But frankly I almost wish I didn't know anything about her. That I hadn't seen her and he was going behind my back. Now granted, IF he did that, I'd be out of this relationship SO FAST. But Sasha has respected me enough to not say anything about her or about what's going on with that. However, I want to know WHY can't SHE do the same?! Is it wrong to ask that of her? To STAY OUT OF OUR LIVES!! I'm sorry, to NOT make her presence known at my house? Because if she ever comes into town she is NOT allowed in this house. I just feel that people would say it's wrong to ask that, but to me I think it's perfectly acceptable.
The situation with Zi and I are that she has come to understand that all I wanted was an apology. That she acted hastily and didn't listen to a word I said. She chooses however to say "If you break up with him, I'm still here and I love you; if you stay with him, I still love you." If that's not trying to make me change sides, I don't know what else. But she did pose one question that I think EVERY mono asks themselves "If it were wrong, why don't [we] tell [anyone]?"
Our answer is "Because they wouldn't understand." But really? Is that what we think? Because I still think it's wrong that after five years of love and devotion to go and pursue some tart half-way across the country. But the answer is true. In the case of my grandparents, and as I told my sister, I have no problem telling them if A.) It were any of their business and B.) Grammy wouldn't say "I think Sasha should move out of the bedroom and in with your roommate and you should pay less rent because you furnished the place." (I'm sorry to say that is a direct quote.) Which is what I had to tell Zi more than three times in our last conversation.
She finally came around and said that she did act hastily. And it was because she didn't understand. I had to point out, how many times did I say "ASK ME!" Because the answer isn't going to be with Grammy and Papa. I'll have the answers you're looking for. Another point that was made is that I haven't for a long time trusted her with any information. Because it seemed that no matter what I told her, it would get back to Grammy and Papa. That brought up another topic that I don't ever talk to them. And really why should I when she speaks for me?
Anyway, back on topic. Sasha's birthday was on Monday. But I had nothing to give him. He said he doesn't want anything. He was downsized on September 30th and until he can be approved for unemployment the financial responsibility falls on me. That stress and the stress of getting approved for graduation (Which was done yesterday) and the anticipation/dread of starting more hours at work and not knowing where or IF I'll get a job in my field all came to a head when I saw one thing.
A birthday card from Tart.
I'm not going to lie I almost hid it. Opened it up, read what filth she wrote and tore it up and threw it away. But on the precipice of that decision Sasha called out for me and came down the hallway. I handed him the important mail with the card on top. All he did was move it to the back and look at the other letters. He didn't say a word and it probably was because I was standing right there. I should feel at least OKAY about that, but I don't. I DON'T want her sending things to our house. I want to say, "If he's going to have an affair, then I don't want to know about it!" But just short of e-mailing her and telling her to not send anything to the house, I can't do that.
However I let out my emotion because of disappointing news I discovered. I play an MMO, something that Sasha got me into, called World of Warcraft. I love playing the game. I play a gnome, not because they are funny or for the racial specializations. But because I respect their story and I think they are cute and awesome. For a month they had a quest to do something that I have wanted to do since I started playing. Well with the game update last night it was taken down and I wasn't able to do it. So I let EVERYTHING that I had been feeling come out with the disappointment of that one thing. Sure I was upset, but not upset enough to cry off and on for 30 minutes (which is what I did).
I know that I should be upfront, but when we hit hard times like this before, Sasha didn't burden me with the stress so I'm going to do the same. All he needs to worry about is finding a job and I can take care of everything else. He's been doing it for 4 years, now it's my turn.
I know that some mono's are friends with their poly's other legs. Other's make themselves into a triangle, and some are like me and don't want anything to do with the other. I am blessed to be the Primary of the relationship because if I wasn't then there wouldn't be a relationship. But frankly I almost wish I didn't know anything about her. That I hadn't seen her and he was going behind my back. Now granted, IF he did that, I'd be out of this relationship SO FAST. But Sasha has respected me enough to not say anything about her or about what's going on with that. However, I want to know WHY can't SHE do the same?! Is it wrong to ask that of her? To STAY OUT OF OUR LIVES!! I'm sorry, to NOT make her presence known at my house? Because if she ever comes into town she is NOT allowed in this house. I just feel that people would say it's wrong to ask that, but to me I think it's perfectly acceptable.
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