Sasha was notified today that they are letting him go from his position at work.
I saw a facebook post from a few hours ago stating "Does anyone know where I can get a job?" I thought he was talking about a second job or in general. He has been talking about finding a new/second job for a few months now because he hates where he works. But then I checked my e-mail and got the following message:
They are letting me go from work. I have until the end of the week, but unless a miracle happens I need to find a new job...
He's been unemployed during our relationship before, and he went on unemployment. I don't know if he is going to do it, and I don't know if he'll be accepted for it with the economy as it is. However, the big problem is that I'm not through with school for a few weeks. And my office won't be offering extra hours for a long time so I can't get anything over my 20 per week. If I could get 40 then we could survive on my income (even if we were paying full rent). I'll have to talk to my job coach to see if that's possible.
However, I know that Sasha is going to say "Don't worry. Everything will be okay. We'll get through this, we've gotten through worse before." I just hope that this won't stint my job search.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Abuse
I have done what people would consider the unthinkable. I have cut my sister out of my life. I discovered last night that the night I told her about my situation she turned around and immediately told my grandparents. Her excuse/reason? That she's "scared for me". That she thinks Sasha is "emotionally abusing" me. And all throughout our fight, even when I told her what my plan was, she still would not apologize.
Zi, has been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. The first one was both physically and emotionally abusive and lasted for almost three years. Years later when she was rebounding from a GOOD long-term relationship, she entered an emotionally abusive relationship. With my help, she was able concretely identify the situation and leave it (she had her suspicions and I confirmed). Now, she thinks that is what is happening to me. But she has no proof. She thinks that Sasha is "controlling" me. And no matter how many times I told her in the first conversation that our communication has risen and how open our feelings are, she refuses to believe it.
She went so far as to CALL Sasha last night, and belittle him. He told me that for most of the conversation he sat there listening to her "cry". If anyone has a sibling then you know they have developed skills on how to get what they want. One of Zi's is crying to make you upset. I have no doubt she was crying. But she wasn't crying because she was upset (or it wasn't the main reason), she was crying to manipulate the situation and to try and get Sasha to agree and fall into her agenda. She even brought the question of marriage into it. He simply told her that I, L, have been thinking about marriage for four years now so that's not a new revelation.
Out of all of this, it was SASHA who told me to forgive her even if she wasn't sorry. For me to not cut Zi out of my life. HE was the one who told me that family is all you have left in this world and not to make such an extreme decision. How is THAT abusive?
*****
Emotional abuse is defined:
The only one that I can see having any validity would be "Invalidation".
Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.
This is a form of abuse that we experience from childhood. But from what I have learned about the majority of poly's are that they are the opposite. They do the exact opposite. They give monos more attention, validate feelings, and accept who they are more readily than a mono would to a poly.
After writing this, it's almost as if I am the abusive one in the relationship.
*****
I wonder if family members and/or friends try and push this reasoning on mono's to leave their poly partner.
I do wonder if people view me as a victim (A role that Zi tried to play last night because I said that I would kill her from 1700 miles away and on a voicemail message). I am not a victim, I don't like to be. I once played that card and had very good reason to. Growing up the way I did, how could someone not? But I have grown up from that person and fully accept that things I do have consequences. I had just hoped Zi had come to the same conclusion.
Zi, has been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. The first one was both physically and emotionally abusive and lasted for almost three years. Years later when she was rebounding from a GOOD long-term relationship, she entered an emotionally abusive relationship. With my help, she was able concretely identify the situation and leave it (she had her suspicions and I confirmed). Now, she thinks that is what is happening to me. But she has no proof. She thinks that Sasha is "controlling" me. And no matter how many times I told her in the first conversation that our communication has risen and how open our feelings are, she refuses to believe it.
She went so far as to CALL Sasha last night, and belittle him. He told me that for most of the conversation he sat there listening to her "cry". If anyone has a sibling then you know they have developed skills on how to get what they want. One of Zi's is crying to make you upset. I have no doubt she was crying. But she wasn't crying because she was upset (or it wasn't the main reason), she was crying to manipulate the situation and to try and get Sasha to agree and fall into her agenda. She even brought the question of marriage into it. He simply told her that I, L, have been thinking about marriage for four years now so that's not a new revelation.
Out of all of this, it was SASHA who told me to forgive her even if she wasn't sorry. For me to not cut Zi out of my life. HE was the one who told me that family is all you have left in this world and not to make such an extreme decision. How is THAT abusive?
*****
Emotional abuse is defined:
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
Out of this definition, I can see how one can twist the words into their belief. Zi however is not smart enough to find this information out (and unfortunately that is not pure criticism). But there is one statement that I do find myself believing. And that is the very last one.
As a mono, I fear that Sasha will leave me, or pay less attention to me, and that I will be alone. I have spent five years with him and giving that up, would be extremely hard and I would be alone. However, I have been essentially alone for all of my life. I didn't have many friends (if any) growing up, and I learned how to cope on my own and be self-sufficient. If anything I am a person who has trained myself to accept being alone and maybe even crave it. One reason may be that I can not control others and/or life so if I only have myself to control all will be well.
BUT he is not pushing me away. He is not belittling me, he is not wearing away at my self-worth. In Zi's argument he is not holding me back. When I posed the questions of how is encouraging me to go to school, find a job anywhere in the world, and follow my dreams, holding me back? She had no response. In fact, I don't even think she listened to the question. However, when I posed those to Sasha he said "She's not being rational, but I fear that you are holding yourself back for me."
*****
There are different types of Emotional Abuse
- Abusive Expectations
- Aggressing
- Constant Chaos
- Denying
- Dominating
- Emotional Blackmail
- Invalidation
- Minimizing
- Unpredictable Responses
- Verbal Assaults
The only one that I can see having any validity would be "Invalidation".
Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.
This is a form of abuse that we experience from childhood. But from what I have learned about the majority of poly's are that they are the opposite. They do the exact opposite. They give monos more attention, validate feelings, and accept who they are more readily than a mono would to a poly.
After writing this, it's almost as if I am the abusive one in the relationship.
*****
I wonder if family members and/or friends try and push this reasoning on mono's to leave their poly partner.
I do wonder if people view me as a victim (A role that Zi tried to play last night because I said that I would kill her from 1700 miles away and on a voicemail message). I am not a victim, I don't like to be. I once played that card and had very good reason to. Growing up the way I did, how could someone not? But I have grown up from that person and fully accept that things I do have consequences. I had just hoped Zi had come to the same conclusion.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I'm going to kill my sister
I'm going to kill her. I'm going to straight up kill her. She told my grandmother about Sasha!
And WHY did she tell my grandmother you ask? Because instead of double checking the "info" page on facebook she took the little box on the left hand side at it's word. And what's in that little box? The question should be "what's NOT in the little box?" What's not in the little box is "In a relationship with: L" But it is IN FACT on his info page.
So instead of WAITING to see what I had to say, my sister the GENIUS that she is decides to tell my grandmother about Sasha's "Indiscretion in Kansas". NOW my family wants NOTHING to do with him and they want him to move out of the bedroom and have my part of the rent decreased because I furnished the house (side note all of the furnishings were free).
I don't know what to do. My family DOES NOT accept this lifestyle, hell I don't even accept it!
I'm going to kill my sister!
And WHY did she tell my grandmother you ask? Because instead of double checking the "info" page on facebook she took the little box on the left hand side at it's word. And what's in that little box? The question should be "what's NOT in the little box?" What's not in the little box is "In a relationship with: L" But it is IN FACT on his info page.
So instead of WAITING to see what I had to say, my sister the GENIUS that she is decides to tell my grandmother about Sasha's "Indiscretion in Kansas". NOW my family wants NOTHING to do with him and they want him to move out of the bedroom and have my part of the rent decreased because I furnished the house (side note all of the furnishings were free).
I don't know what to do. My family DOES NOT accept this lifestyle, hell I don't even accept it!
I'm going to kill my sister!
Friday, September 10, 2010
End of an Era
I didn't formally write this out first. So I'm just going to wing it.
Today was the last day of my internship. I was a "Newsroom" intern at Channel 6 (Local ABC/Fox affiliate) and it was the BEST five months of my life! Everyday I was there was a dream come true. I worked my ass off, everyone knew who I was. I was respected. I worked with ADULTS! I am VERY sad to not be able to call Master Control at 10 til 7am (for Good Day Columbus) asking to be let in because I don't have time for Chrissy to come down from the Newsroom to let me in.
They asked me if I would be available for a freelance project and OF COURSE I said "Yes". They are working out the details now but just to be back there for one more day!
I also did two tapings behind the anchor desk. The first one I thought I tanked, and though I was MUCH more confident the second time around, it wasn't that bad. I don't know what I'm going to put on my reel (aka Demo) and I now have FIVE weeks left of school.
In the five months, I have run camera, teleprompter, floor directed, interviewed, edited packages, met JIM TRESSEL, met Demetrius Stanley, met Buster Douglas (TODAY!!), been asked too many times what my job title was, ate gourmet food, met millions of pets, pet a baby lemur, pet a wallaby, been jealous, been sad, made friends, made enemies, cried, laughed, was trusted, respected, yelled at, influenced, and I wouldn't give ONE DAY of it back.
I remember the day I started I was SO green. I still am, granted, but I have changed in five months. Even if this is as far as I go, I will be happy.
Today was the last day of my internship. I was a "Newsroom" intern at Channel 6 (Local ABC/Fox affiliate) and it was the BEST five months of my life! Everyday I was there was a dream come true. I worked my ass off, everyone knew who I was. I was respected. I worked with ADULTS! I am VERY sad to not be able to call Master Control at 10 til 7am (for Good Day Columbus) asking to be let in because I don't have time for Chrissy to come down from the Newsroom to let me in.
They asked me if I would be available for a freelance project and OF COURSE I said "Yes". They are working out the details now but just to be back there for one more day!
I also did two tapings behind the anchor desk. The first one I thought I tanked, and though I was MUCH more confident the second time around, it wasn't that bad. I don't know what I'm going to put on my reel (aka Demo) and I now have FIVE weeks left of school.
In the five months, I have run camera, teleprompter, floor directed, interviewed, edited packages, met JIM TRESSEL, met Demetrius Stanley, met Buster Douglas (TODAY!!), been asked too many times what my job title was, ate gourmet food, met millions of pets, pet a baby lemur, pet a wallaby, been jealous, been sad, made friends, made enemies, cried, laughed, was trusted, respected, yelled at, influenced, and I wouldn't give ONE DAY of it back.
I remember the day I started I was SO green. I still am, granted, but I have changed in five months. Even if this is as far as I go, I will be happy.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sister
"I'm not about to put myself in that position. Because there is someone out there that's ready to jiggle my shit all over the place!"
I was going to write a follow-up to "Boundaries", and I will, but instead I talked to my sister, Zi, about my situation.
I didn't get to talk to her about it in person, while she was in town, but I talked to her on the phone.
It was hard talking about the subject because my sister is VERY mono. To the point that if she was ever in my shoes she wouldn't be able to eat, sleep, work, she would be in a ball crying and/or vomiting because of all the stress she'd have when her SO is out with the OSO. Some people at this point might ask "but what if you were the OSO" and I know her response to that would be "it would never happen" because she would not put herself in those shoes.
The part that shocked me was that she remembered that Sasha was poly. My sister doesn't have the best memory (it really is pretty bad). When I first told her about Sasha and being "poly" wasn't even "He's poly and this is what it means" it was "I'm dating this guy and we're not exclusive. No I don't care if he dates someone else at the same time because we're not serious."
FLASHBACK
When we were not exclusive he did go on a few dates with a girl and our "non-exclusivity" did not stop the jealousy OR the few tears and melancholy that I felt when he told me. However, one of their dates was going to a birthday dinner, and he invited me to go along and PAID for me. That's when I knew he cared more about me then her (and he went on like one more date after that).
Zi tried to say it was selfish of him and not fair for him to do this. She was saying all of the things that I have been struggling with and I'm giving her answers that I somewhat feel are true and spitting out ritterick that I've read all over. Not because I want to defend Sasha but so my sister can realize that I'm okay. I told her that I started this blog (Sasha doesn't, nor will he ever know I have this) and that I joined a support group. She seemed happy about that.
My sister asked me questions, ones that had been within m my head.
Her Question: Would you rather have someone devoted to only you, or someone that is with you but someone else to?
My Answer: Only me. But relationships are not that cut and dry.
My Question: Would I rather give up FIVE years of hard work, love, and devotion because he wants to have some tart on the side that won't last?
Her Answer: I know you love him a lot.
Then I went on to explain the hierarchy and how even though the tart wants to be a hypocrite she has to kiss my ass to get what she wants. And I'm not giving that up! She is beholden to me! And if she doesn't like it, too bad.
I headed this entry with something a co-worker said. She was talking about the relationships at her school and that they guys there wanted white girls to fit into a mold, and she wasn't having that.
My sister told me that there are hundreds of thousands of guys just waiting for the chance to be with me. I respectfully disagree. Not to the fact that they are not out there, but to the fact they aren't who I want. The only men who hit on me are black, ghetto, pothead, bums that throw cat calls. OH YEAH! THAT turns me on! That makes me spread my legs for you! *HARD EYE ROLL* And if they aren't the only ones then all the rest are too chicken shit to say anything! Why would I want that? OR the small amount that DO talk to me are not remotely attractive or we have nothing in common! And to top it off, they don't like ME they like my tits and ass. WHY do I want that? I will have to tell the story of how Sasha and I got together one day, but to sum it up, he was an attractive guy who was nice and talked to me and we started out slow. He was confident, something I had never come across. I have yet to experience anyone else like that.
But I began to rant, I'm sorry.
In any case, I don't WANT to look for someone new. And even if I did no one would compare to Sasha.
I didn't get to tell Zi that the thing I'm losing is control. I may have some power, but now the control has shifted and I'm waging all out war to try and get it back.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Boundaries
It is important to set boundaries. This is something that each person in the relationship (of any relationship) inherently knows.
Boundaries are a way to control the relationship direction in both a good and bad way. When advised properly the compromise of the set boundaries are good for the relationship. That doesn't mean boundaries can't change. In fact, they can change quite often depending on the level of comfortableness.
My originail boundaries were set like this:
Let's break down why my boundaries were set this way, shall we?
Boundary One: I am the Primary.
This is set because no matter when he asked for another partner, it was I that he lives with, share expenses (car, rent, bank account) with, had cats with; basically had a life with. His secondary would NOT be moving in with us because he comes home to me.
Boundary Two: They can't be prettier, thinner, or smarter than I.
This boundary shows my blatant insecurities. In my family, I was the smart and creative one. My younger sister was the pretty and athletic one. So to believe a guy when he tells me I am beautiful is very hard. (I still struggle with it after 5 years) So I set this thinking it would be a way for me to be superior over the other "leg". A way to degrade her and make her feel like she was being pitied.
Sasha simply said, "So everything I don't want." And I answered with an innocently cocked head "What?" like there was nothing wrong with what I said.
When I saw the other leg for the first time, my jaw dropped. She wasn't prettier or thinner (as for smarter I still don't know if she is or not). But I felt like I had been slapped in the face! Did Sasha have NO taste? This girl was a COW! How could he stoop so low beneath him? Is THAT the kind of girl he likes? Am I like that? (See how I turned the situation to be about me?)
Boundary Three: You can not be intimate with her in ANY way.
By this statement I meant no sex, no oral sex, no petting/dry humping, no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands, NOTHING without my permission. And I would NEVER give permission. In my mind, if I stopped him from doing those things, then they would just be friends and a friend would not make a romantic partner.
Here's how this boundary gets fucked up. Sasha and I's relationship was classified as "open" from the very beginning, and when he would go out of town he would "ask for permission". Most of the time I gave it to him. But I gave it to him because knowing my luck he wouldn't be interested in anyone. But if he was, and acted upon it then I would grin and bear my consequences.
Here's another turn for you. There were times that I asked for permission. But not because I wanted it. Because the way things happen in my life, I typically don't get what I want. So by him saying "Yet" then no temptations would come.
But this boundary is very oppressive to both sides. I was lying to both of us. I gave him permission as a way to manipulate things and I wasn't honest with my feelings. In our current situation it is oppressive because it doesn't allow him to be himself. And I can't stifle that, no matter how much I hate what he might do to the Tart. This doesn't mean I accept this in ANY way it just means that I recognize the importance of it.
Boundary Four: I have the ultimate Veto power.
This boundary is set so I can say yes or no to anything I want concerning his other relationships. And I did. This boundary was the most destructive and I wielded it like a machete. I didn't care who I hurt as long as I didn't get hurt, and that included Sasha. But he put up with it because he loves me.
And for five years I have never needed to use my machete. But throughout the past six months I have used it more than I probably should have.
But this relationship is all about me right?
Boundaries are a way to control the relationship direction in both a good and bad way. When advised properly the compromise of the set boundaries are good for the relationship. That doesn't mean boundaries can't change. In fact, they can change quite often depending on the level of comfortableness.
My originail boundaries were set like this:
- I am the Primary.
- [Your] other partner can not be prettier, thinner, or smarter than I.
- You can not be intimate with the person unless I say so.
- I have the ultimate veto power.
Let's break down why my boundaries were set this way, shall we?
Boundary One: I am the Primary.
This is set because no matter when he asked for another partner, it was I that he lives with, share expenses (car, rent, bank account) with, had cats with; basically had a life with. His secondary would NOT be moving in with us because he comes home to me.
Boundary Two: They can't be prettier, thinner, or smarter than I.
This boundary shows my blatant insecurities. In my family, I was the smart and creative one. My younger sister was the pretty and athletic one. So to believe a guy when he tells me I am beautiful is very hard. (I still struggle with it after 5 years) So I set this thinking it would be a way for me to be superior over the other "leg". A way to degrade her and make her feel like she was being pitied.
Sasha simply said, "So everything I don't want." And I answered with an innocently cocked head "What?" like there was nothing wrong with what I said.
When I saw the other leg for the first time, my jaw dropped. She wasn't prettier or thinner (as for smarter I still don't know if she is or not). But I felt like I had been slapped in the face! Did Sasha have NO taste? This girl was a COW! How could he stoop so low beneath him? Is THAT the kind of girl he likes? Am I like that? (See how I turned the situation to be about me?)
Boundary Three: You can not be intimate with her in ANY way.
By this statement I meant no sex, no oral sex, no petting/dry humping, no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands, NOTHING without my permission. And I would NEVER give permission. In my mind, if I stopped him from doing those things, then they would just be friends and a friend would not make a romantic partner.
Here's how this boundary gets fucked up. Sasha and I's relationship was classified as "open" from the very beginning, and when he would go out of town he would "ask for permission". Most of the time I gave it to him. But I gave it to him because knowing my luck he wouldn't be interested in anyone. But if he was, and acted upon it then I would grin and bear my consequences.
Here's another turn for you. There were times that I asked for permission. But not because I wanted it. Because the way things happen in my life, I typically don't get what I want. So by him saying "Yet" then no temptations would come.
But this boundary is very oppressive to both sides. I was lying to both of us. I gave him permission as a way to manipulate things and I wasn't honest with my feelings. In our current situation it is oppressive because it doesn't allow him to be himself. And I can't stifle that, no matter how much I hate what he might do to the Tart. This doesn't mean I accept this in ANY way it just means that I recognize the importance of it.
Boundary Four: I have the ultimate Veto power.
This boundary is set so I can say yes or no to anything I want concerning his other relationships. And I did. This boundary was the most destructive and I wielded it like a machete. I didn't care who I hurt as long as I didn't get hurt, and that included Sasha. But he put up with it because he loves me.
And for five years I have never needed to use my machete. But throughout the past six months I have used it more than I probably should have.
But this relationship is all about me right?
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Fears
I'm afraid that he'll leave me and all that we have. I'm afraid that I'm not enough and will never be enough. I'm afraid that we'll never get married (something I've been working towards). I'm afraid that even if he breaks up with the tart he'll want more and more and the line will never end. I'm afraid I'll be buried in it all. I'm afraid of being overlooked and forgotten and taken advantage of. I'm afraid I don't count and that my opinion won't matter. I'm afraid that he won't love me as much as he says he does now later on. I'm afraid that I'll be replaced. I'm afraid that when I move for my job, wherever it is, that the distance will be too much and he'll succumb to more partners and it will all spiral out of control.
But I'm afraid that even with as good as his communication skills are if I tell him all of these things he'll just say "oh honey, baby, that will never happen." and leave it at that. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I NEED MORE than that.
Personally I'm also afraid that out of everyone that I'm close to NO ONE will understand and I will have to keep this a secret and I CAN'T do that. I don't know any "Monos in poly relationships". I don't have anyone I can talk to at home. There isn't anyone I can run to who has been through this or can help me.
I don't know what I need to feel better about this situation. I'm afraid that I won't EVER feel better about it. I am at a point where I'm very doubtful that anything will be helpful (But I'm trying!) and I can't think of any compromises that I want.
The only thing I want is for him to stop seeing this tart and be monogamous with me.
But I'm afraid that even with as good as his communication skills are if I tell him all of these things he'll just say "oh honey, baby, that will never happen." and leave it at that. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I NEED MORE than that.
Personally I'm also afraid that out of everyone that I'm close to NO ONE will understand and I will have to keep this a secret and I CAN'T do that. I don't know any "Monos in poly relationships". I don't have anyone I can talk to at home. There isn't anyone I can run to who has been through this or can help me.
I don't know what I need to feel better about this situation. I'm afraid that I won't EVER feel better about it. I am at a point where I'm very doubtful that anything will be helpful (But I'm trying!) and I can't think of any compromises that I want.
The only thing I want is for him to stop seeing this tart and be monogamous with me.
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