Sister

"I'm not about to put myself in that position. Because there is someone out there that's ready to jiggle my shit all over the place!"

I was going to write a follow-up to "Boundaries", and I will, but instead I talked to my sister, Zi, about my situation.

I didn't get to talk to her about it in person, while she was in town, but I talked to her on the phone.

It was hard talking about the subject because my sister is VERY mono. To the point that if she was ever in my shoes she wouldn't be able to eat, sleep, work, she would be in a ball crying and/or vomiting because of all the stress she'd have when her SO is out with the OSO. Some people at this point might ask "but what if you were the OSO" and I know her response to that would be "it would never happen" because she would not put herself in those shoes.

The part that shocked me was that she remembered that Sasha was poly. My sister doesn't have the best memory (it really is pretty bad). When I first told her about Sasha and being "poly" wasn't even "He's poly and this is what it means" it was "I'm dating this guy and we're not exclusive. No I don't care if he dates someone else at the same time because we're not serious."

FLASHBACK

When we were not exclusive he did go on a few dates with a girl and our "non-exclusivity" did not stop the jealousy OR the few tears and melancholy that I felt when he told me. However, one of their dates was going to a birthday dinner, and he invited me to go along and PAID for me. That's when I knew he cared more about me then her (and he went on like one more date after that).

Zi tried to say it was selfish of him and not fair for him to do this. She was saying all of the things that I have been struggling with and I'm giving her answers that I somewhat feel are true and spitting out ritterick that I've read all over. Not because I want to defend Sasha but so my sister can realize that I'm okay. I told her that I started this blog (Sasha doesn't, nor will he ever know I have this) and that I joined a support group. She seemed happy about that.

My sister asked me questions, ones that had been within m my head.

Her Question: Would you rather have someone devoted to only you, or someone that is with you but someone else to?

My Answer: Only me. But relationships are not that cut and dry.

My Question: Would I rather give up FIVE years of hard work, love, and devotion because he wants to have some tart on the side that won't last?

Her Answer:  I know you love him a lot.

Then I went on to explain the hierarchy and how even though the tart wants to be a hypocrite she has to kiss my ass to get what she wants. And I'm not giving that up! She is beholden to me! And if she doesn't like it, too bad.

I headed this entry with something a co-worker said. She was talking about the relationships at her school and that they guys there wanted white girls to fit into a mold, and she wasn't having that.

My sister told me that there are hundreds of thousands of guys just waiting for the chance to be with me. I respectfully disagree. Not to the fact that they are not out there, but to the fact they aren't who I want. The only men who hit on me are black, ghetto, pothead, bums that throw cat calls. OH YEAH! THAT turns me on! That makes me spread my legs for you! *HARD EYE ROLL* And if they aren't the only ones then all the rest are too chicken shit to say anything! Why would I want that? OR the small amount that DO talk to me are not remotely attractive or we have nothing in common! And to top it off, they don't like ME they like my tits and ass. WHY do I want that? I will have to tell the story of how Sasha and I got together one day, but to sum it up, he was an attractive guy who was nice and talked to me and we started out slow. He was confident, something I had never come across. I have yet to experience anyone else like that.

But I began to rant, I'm sorry.

In any case, I don't WANT to look for someone new. And even if I did no one would compare to Sasha.

I didn't get to tell Zi that the thing I'm losing is control. I may have some power, but now the control has shifted and I'm waging all out war to try and get it back.