Boundaries

It is important to set boundaries. This is something that each person in the relationship (of any relationship) inherently knows.

Boundaries are a way to control the relationship direction in both a good and bad way. When advised properly the compromise of the set boundaries are good for the relationship. That doesn't mean boundaries can't change. In fact, they can change quite often depending on  the level of comfortableness.

My originail boundaries were set like this:

• I am the Primary.
• [Your] other partner can not be prettier, thinner, or smarter than I.
• You can not be intimate with the person unless I say so.
• I have the ultimate veto power.

And my boyfriend (we'll call him Sasha), the loving man he is, agreed! Score one for me! But he did so because to him, all of those rules meant that all he needed to do was ask, and if I said "no" then he wouldn't pursue it.

Let's break down why my boundaries were set this way, shall we?

Boundary One: I am the Primary.

This is set because no matter when he asked for another partner, it was I that he lives with, share expenses (car, rent, bank account) with, had cats with; basically had a life with. His secondary would NOT be moving in with us because he comes home to me.


Boundary Two: They can't be prettier, thinner, or smarter than I.

This boundary shows my blatant insecurities. In my family, I was the smart and creative one. My younger sister was the pretty and athletic one. So to believe a guy when he tells me I am beautiful is very hard. (I still struggle with it after 5 years) So I set this thinking it would be a way for me to be superior over the other "leg". A way to degrade her and make her feel like she was being pitied.

Sasha simply said, "So everything I don't want." And I answered with an innocently cocked head "What?" like there was nothing wrong with what I said.

When I saw the other leg for the first time, my jaw dropped. She wasn't prettier or thinner (as for smarter I still don't know if she is or not). But I felt like I had been slapped in the face! Did Sasha have NO taste? This girl was a COW! How could he stoop so low beneath him? Is THAT the kind of girl he likes? Am I like that? (See how I turned the situation to be about me?)

Boundary Three: You can not be intimate with her in ANY way.

By this statement I meant no sex, no oral sex, no petting/dry humping, no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands, NOTHING without my permission. And I would NEVER give permission. In my mind, if I stopped him from doing those things, then they would just be friends and a friend would not make a romantic partner.

Here's how this boundary gets fucked up. Sasha and I's relationship was classified as "open" from the very beginning, and when he would go out of town he would "ask for permission". Most of the time I gave it to him. But I gave it to him because knowing my luck he wouldn't be interested in anyone. But if he was, and acted upon it then I would grin and bear my consequences.

Here's another turn for you. There were times that I asked for permission. But not because I wanted it. Because the way things happen in my life, I typically don't get what I want. So by him saying "Yet" then no temptations would come.

But this boundary is very oppressive to both sides. I was lying to both of us. I gave him permission as a way to manipulate things and I wasn't honest with my feelings. In our current situation it is oppressive because it doesn't allow him to be himself. And I can't stifle that, no matter how much I hate what he might do to the Tart. This doesn't mean I accept this in ANY way it just means that I recognize the importance of it.

Boundary Four: I have the ultimate Veto power.

This boundary is set so I can say yes or no to anything I want concerning his other relationships. And I did. This boundary was the most destructive and I wielded it like a machete. I didn't care who I hurt as long as I didn't get hurt, and that included Sasha. But he put up with it because he loves me.

And for five years I have never needed to use my machete. But throughout the past six months I have used it more than I probably should have.

But this relationship is all about me right?