Zi, has been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. The first one was both physically and emotionally abusive and lasted for almost three years. Years later when she was rebounding from a GOOD long-term relationship, she entered an emotionally abusive relationship. With my help, she was able concretely identify the situation and leave it (she had her suspicions and I confirmed). Now, she thinks that is what is happening to me. But she has no proof. She thinks that Sasha is "controlling" me. And no matter how many times I told her in the first conversation that our communication has risen and how open our feelings are, she refuses to believe it.
She went so far as to CALL Sasha last night, and belittle him. He told me that for most of the conversation he sat there listening to her "cry". If anyone has a sibling then you know they have developed skills on how to get what they want. One of Zi's is crying to make you upset. I have no doubt she was crying. But she wasn't crying because she was upset (or it wasn't the main reason), she was crying to manipulate the situation and to try and get Sasha to agree and fall into her agenda. She even brought the question of marriage into it. He simply told her that I, L, have been thinking about marriage for four years now so that's not a new revelation.
Out of all of this, it was SASHA who told me to forgive her even if she wasn't sorry. For me to not cut Zi out of my life. HE was the one who told me that family is all you have left in this world and not to make such an extreme decision. How is THAT abusive?
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Emotional abuse is defined:
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
Out of this definition, I can see how one can twist the words into their belief. Zi however is not smart enough to find this information out (and unfortunately that is not pure criticism). But there is one statement that I do find myself believing. And that is the very last one.
As a mono, I fear that Sasha will leave me, or pay less attention to me, and that I will be alone. I have spent five years with him and giving that up, would be extremely hard and I would be alone. However, I have been essentially alone for all of my life. I didn't have many friends (if any) growing up, and I learned how to cope on my own and be self-sufficient. If anything I am a person who has trained myself to accept being alone and maybe even crave it. One reason may be that I can not control others and/or life so if I only have myself to control all will be well.
BUT he is not pushing me away. He is not belittling me, he is not wearing away at my self-worth. In Zi's argument he is not holding me back. When I posed the questions of how is encouraging me to go to school, find a job anywhere in the world, and follow my dreams, holding me back? She had no response. In fact, I don't even think she listened to the question. However, when I posed those to Sasha he said "She's not being rational, but I fear that you are holding yourself back for me."
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There are different types of Emotional Abuse
- Abusive Expectations
- Aggressing
- Constant Chaos
- Denying
- Dominating
- Emotional Blackmail
- Invalidation
- Minimizing
- Unpredictable Responses
- Verbal Assaults
The only one that I can see having any validity would be "Invalidation".
Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.
This is a form of abuse that we experience from childhood. But from what I have learned about the majority of poly's are that they are the opposite. They do the exact opposite. They give monos more attention, validate feelings, and accept who they are more readily than a mono would to a poly.
After writing this, it's almost as if I am the abusive one in the relationship.
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I wonder if family members and/or friends try and push this reasoning on mono's to leave their poly partner.
I do wonder if people view me as a victim (A role that Zi tried to play last night because I said that I would kill her from 1700 miles away and on a voicemail message). I am not a victim, I don't like to be. I once played that card and had very good reason to. Growing up the way I did, how could someone not? But I have grown up from that person and fully accept that things I do have consequences. I had just hoped Zi had come to the same conclusion.
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